Why am I still posting about headgates? Two reasons. 1). I get hit after hit to my site everyday about people looking for more headgate information. 2). It's been three months since I learned about it and I wanted to report.
The first time I read headgates (thank you very much Karen for posting about it right after the Forum), I was blown away with truth. Some of the specific examples I thought were a little extreme, but I loved the concepts and the principles. (I'm all for great ideas!) I felt strongly that she taught truth. Truth and principles that I could take and interpret within my own sphere.
I applied many truths she talked about, adapted to fit our home and our personalities.
STEP 1: We got rid of a lot of stuff. We removed clothes, shoes, sheets, wall hangings, decorations, dishes, spatulas, a computer, piano books, office supplies (like paper clips! - we had a lot), movies, and LOTS and LOTS of toys and books. I think we removed 50% of our stuff. Really.
STEP 2: We stoped certain activities. We classified toys and tools. Office supplies were used for legitimate projects. Building tools were used for legitimate projects. The computer became a tool and not a toy. Food became a tool not a toy. Movies were not to be watched unless they served a purpose and usually only if the entire family participated.
STEP 3: We instituted work time. We taught our children how to work. We began to expect them to do hard things. We expected them to do more than do the dishes after dinner or take out the trash. They learned to work hard for three hours straight. They learned how to clean toilets, do entire loads of laundry start to finish, make bread, vacuum, deep clean, dust, make dinner, serve people, move lots of wood on our land, and numerous other outdoor work projects. They learned to not whine. We taught them to return and report. We taught them to be responsible for their stewardships.
STEP 4: We gave them free time. Before we had randomness. Now we had work time and play time (or free time).
STEP 5: We changed to all lifeless toys. After a month or two we decided to go further down the path. We removed every last Lego, lightsaber and other "follow the instruction" toy. (We just put them in the shed until the experiment was over). We said we'd just do it for a month to just "see" what would happen. We moved the boys all into one room and made a playroom that was only filled with those toys.
STEP 6: Three months later. Let's evaluate. That's were I'm at right now. We really did all the things she said in her ebook (not her FAQ page-I think some are not right for our family. Just the same way I don't believe some of the ingredients are right for our family. But I've still taken truth out of it with out having a panic attack about the rest).
Evaluate. Yes. Let us do that. The scriptures say, "by their fruits ye shall know them." We had a really good home before. We had really good kids before, and I was was a really good mom. (Alex has always been great. I'm extremely biased). Now? We have great kids. We have great kids that work their guts out and are growing up to be real men that can take care of their families. We have a daughter that's growing up to be an amazing women. We have great kids that aren't bored. We have great kids that have amazing imaginations and can make all sorts of creations out of sticks and twine. We have great kids that don't whine when we ask them to fold the laundry. We have great kids that are respectful to us. They recognize where they are in our family structure and they embrace it. They know each of roles and they respect each one of us in our individual spheres. The 'me' culture seems to be getting driven out of our lives.
I personally, don't think that I have ever truly felt more peace and happiness in our family structure. Our home as become a heaven on earth. There are few worldly distractions and we pursue wholesome activities that we find joy in. The desire to have fun has been replaced with a desire to enjoy things.
About the books. Our children have come to cherish their free time. They spent a lot of time playing but they spend a lot of time choosing to read also. It is not uncommon to see Jared on the couch reading a 500 page book, Olivia in her room reading Cicero (or some other meaty read), Luke to be reading a Shakespeare play (abridged), or Caleb writing a story in his story book. Really. They didn't do that before. And really, they are happy.
About the Lego's. Yes, I'm going to bring the Lego's back. However, they are going to stay in the shed outside. If they want to play with them they have to go and get them. They have to act for themselves and not be acted upon (thank you Misty). They may then play with them and then they will return them to the shed. They can of course pursue this activity during free time. My older two boys have enough Lego hours saved up in their little minds to last a couple kids' lifetimes.
It seems hard to image that our life could be so drastically different for the better. We were a really good family before. We were always vigilant on our movies and entertainment. We had strict Wii 30 min time limits. We never let them read trash, no graphic novels, and a host of other books that I considered not worth reading. We went from good and better to best. And that has made all the difference in the world.
By their fruits ye shall know them. Yes, it is truth for us. We are grateful for great people that share their ideas and thoughts.
The first time I read headgates (thank you very much Karen for posting about it right after the Forum), I was blown away with truth. Some of the specific examples I thought were a little extreme, but I loved the concepts and the principles. (I'm all for great ideas!) I felt strongly that she taught truth. Truth and principles that I could take and interpret within my own sphere.
I applied many truths she talked about, adapted to fit our home and our personalities.
STEP 1: We got rid of a lot of stuff. We removed clothes, shoes, sheets, wall hangings, decorations, dishes, spatulas, a computer, piano books, office supplies (like paper clips! - we had a lot), movies, and LOTS and LOTS of toys and books. I think we removed 50% of our stuff. Really.
STEP 2: We stoped certain activities. We classified toys and tools. Office supplies were used for legitimate projects. Building tools were used for legitimate projects. The computer became a tool and not a toy. Food became a tool not a toy. Movies were not to be watched unless they served a purpose and usually only if the entire family participated.
STEP 3: We instituted work time. We taught our children how to work. We began to expect them to do hard things. We expected them to do more than do the dishes after dinner or take out the trash. They learned to work hard for three hours straight. They learned how to clean toilets, do entire loads of laundry start to finish, make bread, vacuum, deep clean, dust, make dinner, serve people, move lots of wood on our land, and numerous other outdoor work projects. They learned to not whine. We taught them to return and report. We taught them to be responsible for their stewardships.
STEP 4: We gave them free time. Before we had randomness. Now we had work time and play time (or free time).
STEP 5: We changed to all lifeless toys. After a month or two we decided to go further down the path. We removed every last Lego, lightsaber and other "follow the instruction" toy. (We just put them in the shed until the experiment was over). We said we'd just do it for a month to just "see" what would happen. We moved the boys all into one room and made a playroom that was only filled with those toys.
STEP 6: Three months later. Let's evaluate. That's were I'm at right now. We really did all the things she said in her ebook (not her FAQ page-I think some are not right for our family. Just the same way I don't believe some of the ingredients are right for our family. But I've still taken truth out of it with out having a panic attack about the rest).
Evaluate. Yes. Let us do that. The scriptures say, "by their fruits ye shall know them." We had a really good home before. We had really good kids before, and I was was a really good mom. (Alex has always been great. I'm extremely biased). Now? We have great kids. We have great kids that work their guts out and are growing up to be real men that can take care of their families. We have a daughter that's growing up to be an amazing women. We have great kids that aren't bored. We have great kids that have amazing imaginations and can make all sorts of creations out of sticks and twine. We have great kids that don't whine when we ask them to fold the laundry. We have great kids that are respectful to us. They recognize where they are in our family structure and they embrace it. They know each of roles and they respect each one of us in our individual spheres. The 'me' culture seems to be getting driven out of our lives.
I personally, don't think that I have ever truly felt more peace and happiness in our family structure. Our home as become a heaven on earth. There are few worldly distractions and we pursue wholesome activities that we find joy in. The desire to have fun has been replaced with a desire to enjoy things.
About the books. Our children have come to cherish their free time. They spent a lot of time playing but they spend a lot of time choosing to read also. It is not uncommon to see Jared on the couch reading a 500 page book, Olivia in her room reading Cicero (or some other meaty read), Luke to be reading a Shakespeare play (abridged), or Caleb writing a story in his story book. Really. They didn't do that before. And really, they are happy.
About the Lego's. Yes, I'm going to bring the Lego's back. However, they are going to stay in the shed outside. If they want to play with them they have to go and get them. They have to act for themselves and not be acted upon (thank you Misty). They may then play with them and then they will return them to the shed. They can of course pursue this activity during free time. My older two boys have enough Lego hours saved up in their little minds to last a couple kids' lifetimes.
It seems hard to image that our life could be so drastically different for the better. We were a really good family before. We were always vigilant on our movies and entertainment. We had strict Wii 30 min time limits. We never let them read trash, no graphic novels, and a host of other books that I considered not worth reading. We went from good and better to best. And that has made all the difference in the world.
By their fruits ye shall know them. Yes, it is truth for us. We are grateful for great people that share their ideas and thoughts.
10 comments:
Thank you for the update. I've loved your blog since I found it right after I read headgates too. What you are seeing in your home is what I've been working for in my home as well. Do you do mentoring? I've been thinking the last couple days there are some questions I would love to ask you and get some feedback on. One of them being- do you still do a lot of reading (2-3 hrs) in momschool in the mornings or have you followed headgates in that way to by only giving them little bits? Thanks! Keep it up!
Jennifer~Yes, I do mentor via email. Please feel free to email me your questions. I would love to visit with you and share ideas. My email is: idahosutters@yahoo.com. Our momschool is now more 1 hour in length. I have read them much more challenging books since the change. We have read "Silas Marner" and "The Hiding Place." I do a lot of "mom school" stuff during our meal times. My husband is often gone during lunch and dinner. When he's home current events reign.
Feel free to contact me. Do you have a blog?
Blessings~Deanna
Great! I will get my thoughts together and send you some questions in the next day or two. I don't have a blog yet, but soon. I've thought about it (and felt I needed to) for a few months, finally decided to do it and now I'm stuck on what to name it :). My husband gave me an ideas this morning so I'll keep you 'posted' (ha ha) when it's up.
Thanks!
You are so inspiring. I loved the article and feel I really need to actually do it. Thank you for sharing your 3 month results. Maybe I can actually do this, too!
Fascinated with your life as usual, my sweet friend. Can't wait to have a face to face visit with one of my favorite girlfriends! I'm back home now so let's plan a day to get together and catch up.
Wow, you really made a lot of big changes. Go you!!
I guess more people don't try it because it takes so much effort. If only they knew the rewards that came with it.
Remember that little (big) problem I talked to you about? All solved!! Headgates really does work miracles. Following truth works miracles.
Keep us updated on the Legos. I'm interested to see if you are happy with them after you bring them back. I just think the whole Lego this is fascinating because my son never played with them. I took them away simply because my little girls were dragging them all over the house for no good reason.
It sounds like you have opened the headgates on a happier, more inspired (and inspiring) life! I think that is amazing.
We organized the Legos, taken pictures, and weighed them all in readiness to sell them on eBay. I don't know if I am ready for that yet, though. :)
I should just read Lara's blog and then I will probably get the courage to take the plunge and do it. I'll be about $200 richer if I do.
I, too, think Olivia is an amazing young woman and your boys are going to be wonderful men who know how to be men.
I love knowing you!
I am wondering if you are still following these principles?
Hello Afton,
Yes, we still follow the headgate principles and we love it. These concepts have really blessed our family's life. We still reguraly review headgates and adjust as needed. We find this concept to be a true one for our family. Thank you for asking.
Hello, my name is Rachel and I read The Headgate a few years ago and implemented some changes, but slowly we have reverted back to much of our former lifestyle and I am not feeling peace. I have some questions I feel I need to ask you. 1) Have you implemented the "Phases of Responsibility"? 2) Would it be possible for me to discuss some things with you? I so much desire to have a friend and mentor to help me navigate this.
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